The One Thing A Man Needs In Order To Commit To A Relationship – YourTango
By Jordan Gray — Written on Aug 21, 2022
How do you get a strong, high-quality man to want to commit to you? Not many guys are able to put this into words themselves. But they intuitively know there’s one thing they need, above all else, in order to feel deeply, fully committed to a relationship.
It goes far beyond anything to do with physical looks, or what sex life is like. Men, especially with commitment issues, need just one thing to feel safe in giving you a promise. That is: To feel free.
But “freedom” has a very broad definition here. At first glance, many people might assume that I’m talking about sexual freedom. But that’s not it at all (though, yes, there are some people out there who do care about hooking up with other people).
What I’m talking about is the freedom to fully express himself and his life potential.
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It’s the freedom to execute his mission and achieve his goals. It’s the freedom to live whatever his deepest purpose is in the moment. That could be related to health, spirituality, career, or vocation.
For him to feel compelled to be with you, he needs to see clearly that you help support his mission in life. He needs to sense that there are no unconscious motives to restrain, diminish, or sabotage his growth.
If he sees you as a distraction from his mission or a threat to it, he will push you away, either emotionally or physically.
If he sees you as an ally in his mission, and in bringing his fully expressed self into the world, he will want to pull you close and stay by your side.
In other words, he wants to be with someone who makes him more freedom to be his fullest self.
If he wonders: “Does she make me feel freer in my life?” and the answer is “Yes,” then he will do anything to make being with your work.
Now, there are two people in this relationship: The woman and the man. So, this whole business of “go support his mission” isn’t solely on the woman’s shoulders. Because that implies the man even has a mission to support in the first place.
I’ll cover both sides, but we have to begin with Hers first, for reasons I’ll explain.
Before you get to the man’s responsibility, and what to look for in him, this has to begin with you. Because you can go out and recognize the right qualities in a masculine man, but the assessment is reciprocal. He will also be feeling and looking for the right qualities in you.
Remember, he will be unconsciously asking the question: “Does she make me feel free?”
You could try to act in a way that makes him free, and say the right things. But if it’s not coming from a genuine place, he will be able to sniff that out easily. Just like how a woman can sense whether or not a man is not living in his full power, and/or if he only sees her as a body/sexual conquest.
For example, say a woman has internal pressure around needing to be in a relationship. This pressure could be created by many things, including issues with co-dependency, when she wants to have children, a fear of abandonment, family expectations, or perhaps a rigid mental timeline for how life is supposed to go.
Either way, it tends to cause her to bring force to romance, rather than allowing the natural process.
Not only will a mission-oriented masculine man be able to detect this quite quickly and be repelled, but the woman is robbing herself of experiencing the satisfaction of a deep desire in the process: to be chosen by a great man. If she successfully pressures him to choose to commit, she’s also not able to have the gift of knowing that he is two feet in, which provides durability and strength for the long run.
If you’re a woman who feels like she’s only attracting and dating un-masculine men, the dating pool isn’t to blame. It could very well be a sign that you’re not putting out the energy and space that masculine men are drawn to.
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This goes both ways, but here is the spacious emotional approach I’m talking about:
“I unconditionally support your growth and mission, even if that means our paths have to part and it takes your life in another direction. Because I want you to be happy.” He wants to know that you love him more than the idea of him. Meaning: You care about him being happy, and his best self, more than you care about him staying put.
Again, he should feel this way toward you as well. But the fact is men are far more sensitive to this energy. It’s counter-intuitive because you’re looking for a man who will be committed to you and be a reliable rock. So why would you basically say, “By the way, it’s fine if you leave”?
But I promise, if you can authentically feel this, it will make him love and honor you harder than anyone he ever has, and never want to sacrifice you as a priority in his life.
Now, a woman could make all the right moves, and give the man all the space and support in the world. But if he doesn’t have an orienting sense of purpose, something in his life that he burns for, then it’s likely that neither person will be inspired to commit. If anything, one of the two (or both) people will just latch on to the other for stability.
Without developing his sense of direction in life enough, a man won’t know what kind of freedom he’s moving toward. And if he doesn’t know what he wants for himself in life, then he can’t powerfully choose anything. Especially a companion.
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At the same time, a woman will detect this lack of center, or inner strength, and lose interest in him.
Control tactics are only successful with men who are underdeveloped in their masculinity. If a woman is unconsciously motivated to expedite the commitment level of the relationship or limit his freedom, this type of man will tend to fold and submit to her coercion, pressure, or emotional manipulation.
This is because he has very little self-definition and commitment to a mission. His behavior is dictated more by pleasing others and looking good than it is by serving his direction. There’s a boyish part of him that’s looking for someone else to call the shots, or dictate his life and give it meaning. Basically, he’s looking for someone else to be his new surrogate mother figure.
If this is how the relationship begins, both people have done a massive disservice and strapped themselves to a ticking time bomb.
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Because the man is being led by her emotional will, not his authentic internal direction. All the while, he’s keeping his true self locked away. A sensitive woman won’t ever be fully satisfied with this, because she will neither have a real man, nor a real relationship. All she has is a prisoner to keep around and a means to buffer herself against a nagging sense of loneliness.
However, getting involved with a guy who has a strong masculine core is another story. This is the kind of man we’re talking about. This is the man who has a self-sufficient drive and vision. He has done work on himself and knows who he is. He is moving forward with his life, no matter who goes with him.
More masculine men will be repelled by any of the control tactics above, because:
If you’ve never done deep work around your wounds and patterns in a relationship, it’s time. It is imperative that you both feel grounded enough in your inner ‘masculine’ that your discernment ability is fully intact and safe enough in your inner “feminine” that your radiance is flowing full force.
This is what will open up the way you feel as a woman. It makes you feel more free, liberated, and grounded in yourself. This is what other people can sense in you. It changes the energy you broadcast and the way you communicate, in all forms.
This work is especially productive when done with outside help. That could be a strong women’s group, a specialized therapist, or a very well-structured book that provides insights. For abandonment work, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson is excellent. Attached is also a classic to help bring awareness to your unique attraction profile.
Here are some general questions you can start asking yourself:
Can you see any tendencies to grasp or strain in a relationship? Do you feel a need to accelerate them faster than they would move on their own? Is there some part of you that feels the need to control or cling to your partner? If you can say “Yes,” then you have to ask: What are the fears and insecurities beneath those dynamics? And how can I move through them?
This is vital work that should be done for your general health and happiness, as well as that of your relationships. But it will play an extra crucial role in being able to create the feeling of safe, comfortable security with a man.
With this groundwork resolved and out of the way, then you’re ready to invite different energy into your life and pay closer attention to the next step.
As you continue dating, now you can be aware of the secret critical criteria you might not have seen before. Look for a man who is connected to his purpose. Now, there are a lot of purpose-driven men out there. But you might not give a crap about their purpose. It might even run counter to your personal value system.
For example, his purpose might be solely monetary. Maybe he works in finance, or sales, and makes a lot of money, but doesn’t have any other vision for his life. One woman might be head over heels with his path, and respects his drive to provide, while another is totally uninspired about his lack of holistic connection to making the world a better place.
There might be other men who make less but are more committed to their personal or spiritual development, an artistic craft, or making a contribution to their community. He could also be super rich and super spiritual. They’re not mutually exclusive.
The point is, when you find a man with a purpose, see if you believe in and support that purpose. If you don’t respect and admire his mission, and the values behind it, then it’s just not the right fit.
If you’ve found the right combination of Man + Purpose, which you feel you can align with, and want to support, then communicate two things: your feelings of interest and your active support for his goals, no matter what.
Right here is one of the big secrets of the mating dance. At the end of the day, it’s the woman who selects the man. If she’s interested, she will put herself on his radar screen and make herself an option. And if he feels free in the relationship, then he feels compelled to commit and “chooses” her.
So, if you are genuinely excited about the future he sees for himself, and what he’s working on, and you show that you also want that for him with your words and actions, he will be so thrilled that he won’t know what to do with himself (though, most likely, he will be pouncing on you and bragging to his friends about how amazing you are).
When you can begin coming at your relationships from this place of open support, spaciousness, and admiration, with a man who is living a respectable mission, it’s like waking up on a different planet. Everything will feel right and run so much smoother than any love you’ve experienced before.
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Relationship coach Jordan Gray helps people remove their emotional blocks, maintain thriving intimate relationships, and live a better life.
This article was originally published at Jordan Gray Consulting. Reprinted with permission from the author.
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