April 1, 2023

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You’ve heard about quiet quitting at work, but is your partner quietly quitting you?
While coasting along doing only the bare minimum in the workplace is championed as empowering for some, seemingly happy couples can be quiet quitting, too — only it’s actually insidious.
Relationship experts are now raising red flags about the warning signs of “quiet quitting” in dating, cautioning couples against complacency which can be detrimental to their partnership.
“People get to a point where they aren’t willing to go above and beyond anymore,” Rachel DeAlto, Match’s chief dating expert, told The Post, calling such complacency a “slow killer.”
“It’s a vicious cycle,” she added.
DeAlto said the catalyst in quiet quitting always starts with one person before unleashing a domino effect.
“If one partner starts to quietly quit the relationship, and really does start to not put the same amount of effort in, typically what we see is the other partner feels that and starts to do the same thing,” she said. “Now we have this cycle of people not putting effort in.”
Complacency can look as simple as not planning date nights or skipping little gestures, like leaving notes or buying flowers, to show they care, she noted.
“It’s a very reciprocal cycle when it comes to relationships, as opposed to — and still kind of similar to — employment.”
For many workers, quiet quitting rejects the hustle culture ideology that their job needs to consume their entire life — in short, they’re sick of living and breathing their career. While they aren’t quitting their job outright, they’re ditching going above and beyond, which could actually cost them their employment.
In relationships, the cost could be their partner, DeAlto cautioned.
But for those unsure if complacency has overtaken their relationship, DeAlto suggested looking backward to when the sparks were flying.
“Anytime that people are wondering, you know, ‘how does this appear,’ ” she said, “you just think back to what were you doing to make sure that this person felt special in those first three to six months of dating — and what am I not doing any longer?”
As of late, TikTok has been overtaken by the quiet quitting trend, with users championing employees who chose to “act their wage” and deterring them from going the extra mile.
Likewise, the app has also fueled relationship insecurities, DeAlto said, and makes users feel like there’s something inherently wrong with their partners — even if problems don’t exist.
“Very similarly to quiet quitting on TikTok, there are so many opinions on TikTok about ‘this is bad for your relationship,’ or ‘if you’re in this, you should leave,’ ” said DeAlto, who touts over 115,00 followers on the platform.
She recalled one instance of a woman complaining about her husband leaving the toilet seat up, which prompted commands to divorce him from anonymous commenters.
“People should be very judicious of what they are actually allowed as advice, whether they’re talking about their relationship or their job,” she said. “They’re planting a seed that didn’t need to be there.”
But DeAlto said self-reflection is really the only way to know quiet quitting is happening to you.
“Take a minute to say, ‘Is this right with me? Does that feel right? Does this work for me? Or is this just someone else projecting what works for them?’ “
As for a solution, she advised communication is the best way to tackle hurt feelings of complacency. For those in a relationship rut, she suggested showing more effort with simple, loving gestures — and taking it slow.
“You have burnout at work, and you’re gonna have burnout with dating,” DeAlto said, adding that there’s “nothing wrong with taking a break.”
But a break from dating is easier than one from work, she conceded, since a hiatus from a job requires hard-earned PTO while relationships require blood, sweat and tears.
“Take a week off, take two weeks, a month off until you feel like you can actually invest the energy into it,” she said of work, comparing it to dating, “because what you put into it is what you’re gonna get out of it.”
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