Mainly clear. Low 64F. Winds ENE at 10 to 15 mph..
Mainly clear. Low 64F. Winds ENE at 10 to 15 mph.
Updated: September 7, 2022 @ 7:12 pm
This summer has been filled with lessons, the biggest lesson to learn has been learning to say no. For years I have put myself out, lost sleep, done without, or figured things out because I was afraid to say no. Requests, demands, questions would come at me, and because of the deep need to please people, I couldn’t say no.
Earlier this year, as I navigated the end of my marriage, I started to examine myself. I knew I had behaviors and traits I needed to change in order to become healthy and ever hope to have a healthy relationship. As I started to ask questions, reflect on my past, and question situations I had found myself in, I realized I have spent the past 40 years unable to say no. No matter what I wanted, what I knew, or even what was asked, I could not say no.
I had tried. I have memories of saying no to people, or asking for behavior to change. But instead of being heard, I was told how unreasonable my actions and requests were. I was told the words I chose, and how I said things was hurtful. I would feel so terrible at the other person’s reaction, that I completely forgot about myself and focused on making them happy. I failed to see that my lack of boundaries, my inability to say no and stick to it, placed me in harmful situations and attracted toxic people into my life.
In order to truly heal, I had to learn to say no. No longer could I be a people pleaser, I had to become an assertive woman who truly spoke her mind and stood by her decisions. Slowly, I started experimenting. The first few months did not go well. A friend who I thought was a safe person to grow and learn with, continuously told me it was not ok how emotional I became when they said something. I was shocked, and found myself wanting to return to old behaviors, to apologize and focus on making them happy. Fortunately, a light went off and I realized I couldn’t. I had to examine the situation, identify if I really did owe the person an apology, and then work to stay loyal to my decisions.
It was a hard journey. There were a lot of tears, anger, and even a pause in the friendship. But slowly, I became more confident, certain in what I wanted, and knew that if I wanted to truly heal, I needed to keep saying no, setting boundaries, and becoming more comfortable with my new self. The biggest challenge has been not knowing what I want, being able to make decisions for myself has proven to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. But it has also been one of the most rewarding experiences. For the first time in my life, I feel completely in control of my life.
Knowing my inability to say no, my deep need to always make others happy has been the root of so many issues and challenges in my life, I have shared this journey with my daughter. I hope watching me struggle to grow, to learn to say no, will force her to learn how to say no, to take the time to learn what she wants. I hope sharing these lessons with my readers will let you know it’s ok to say no, to make the best decision for you.
I love to hear from my readers. You can reach me believestrengthpassion@gmail.com.
Sara Orellana lives in Lawton and writes a weekly column for The Lawton Constitution.
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