The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are. 
Verified by Psychology Today
Posted September 7, 2022 Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Many people believe marriage is sacred. Because of this belief they are willing to endure significant discomfort in order to “save the relationship,” as if it were a baby in a burning building rather than a construct of what two humans (key word: “humans”) have built together.
For those among us who have really, really tried to save their marriage and refuse to live in misery, divorce is a remedy—a medicine if you will. Sometimes the medicine is strong and can have unpleasant side effects: excommunication, lawyer fees, custody battles, lifestyle disruptions, and, for some, burning in hell for all eternity (oh, dear).
Easy: The relationship is awful. But what makes it so awful? First, if there has been domestic violence, then a black eye, broken nose, or even strangulation marks on the neck pretty much mean that the whole “sacredness” of holy matrimony is no longer a thing for the two of you.
To believe that a loving God wants you get physically abused by your spouse rather than get a divorce is what we therapists call “cognitive dissonance.” An example of cognitive dissonance is wanting to be healthy, but not exercising regularly or eating a nutritious diet. Same goes for marriage: You may want the happy marriage you deserve, but you don’t want to get a divorce.
What else would qualify a marriage for divorce?
Marriage, and any partnership of a marital nature, is not sacred and, despite what anyone or any religion says, you—yes, you—get to say, “Hey! I didn’t sign up for this, and I have a right to a life with sex, sobriety, and economic security without financial Armageddon, religious mania, or any other self-destructive drama.”
Rather than live in significant discomfort for the rest of your life, all you have to do is act, pay a little money to an attorney, and get on with your life. It’s going to be a great, possibly sacred, life decision.
Steven Ing, MFT, has been a Marriage and Family Therapist for 30 years and is the author of two books on sexuality, We’re All Like This and Get Busy Living.
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The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
