I am a writer & relationship consultant that primarily deals with narcissism, overcoming abuse & trauma, and self-love. Contact me @ Blog: carriewynn.com Instagram: carrie_wynnmusings
You’ve finally gathered up the courage to leave your abusive partner. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s not going to be as simple as just breaking up with them. It usually takes someone seven times before they leave an abusive partner for good, and it’s never going to be easy.
When the narcissist realizes that you’re done with their tricks and manipulation…they’re not going to be happy. After all, they don’t want to lose the puppet that they’ve been controlling and who will do anything for them. They may pull out their final card trick and in many cases, this can even be threatening suicide if you make the decision to leave them.
In some cases, these are idle threats. In other cases, they are not. There is absolutely no way for you to know beyond a shadow of a doubt if they are serious about following through.
It’s only going to get worse, and the narcissist knows that if they’re losing you they will pull out all the stops.
There are some things you need to keep in mind if these threats are rising to the surface.
They want you to feel helpless. They want you to be by their side, and they don’t want you to leave. What better way to guilt you into staying than saying that they’re going to end their life?
It is not your job to save someone. It is not your job to be someone’s crutch. You are not to blame if someone decides to take their life. You can be supportive, you can try to provide the resources for help, but at the end of the day, it’s their decision. You are under no obligation to stay in a relationship that isn’t healthy and doesn’t serve you because you feel like you owe it to someone.
I remember sitting in the car when my ex told me how he wanted to blow his brains out. He grabbed my hand and held it against his temple while he screamed that he just wanted to die.
I sobbed hysterically as my heart broke into a million pieces. I had no idea what to do, and it’s an image I still see clearly and most likely will never get out of my head.
The next morning, I confronted him about his behavior the night before. He said he didn’t remember any of it. He was quiet and seemed sad but that could have been an act. He said that he had been completely blacked out from drinking…but he didn’t seem to be at the time.
I found out later that he was abusing drugs as well. He would be up on top of the world and then would lie in bed the next day. Most of his money was going toward his ever-growing drug habit. It resulted in the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.
It was my ex’s birthday. The night started out fine and after a few drinks, he began to have a complete breakdown. He moaned about how he had nothing, no money, no career, no purpose, and that he couldn’t even scrounge up enough change to buy a pack of cigarettes.
One of his friends mentioned that he had me, and without a beat, he responded with “I have nothing, she doesn’t matter.” I believe that even in the moments of perceived vulnerability and pain…it is all about them.
He was surrounded by people who cared about him, and he had no excuse for where his life had landed. He had been offered support, every opportunity to succeed, and unconditional love — yet, instead of those things being cherished, they had been taken, discarded, and used.
Threatening to take their own life is yet another way for a narcissist to strip you of your power and make you feel helpless. You’re going to feel like you have to stay. You’re going to feel like if you leave now the guilt will eat you alive.
I know of cases where this threat held no weight, and where it did. But you are not responsible for someone else’s life. At the end of the day you have to protect yourself, and you cannot allow yourself to be tormented by an outcome you ultimately don’t control.
Someone who loves you will not try to hurt you with their words and threats. They will not make you responsible for their well-being, and they will not try to control you like a puppet hanging from their strings.
Sources:
https://queenbeeing.com/when-the-narcissist-threatens-suicide-will-they-really-follow-through/
I am a writer & relationship consultant that primarily deals with narcissism, overcoming abuse & trauma, and self-love. Contact me @ Blog: carriewynn.com Instagram: carrie_wynnmusings
More from Stacy Ann
My husband is a very private person. He is cautious regarding what he shares with others, including his closest friends and family. I am the complete opposite. I have been an open book throughout my life, especially with my close friends.
There is a piece of my past that I have only shared with several people in my life. In the initial stages of dating my fiance,’ my best friend accidentally alluded to this incident in front of him. When questioned, I lied and quickly changed the subject. Soon enough, he put two and two together and called me out on my lie.
Back in college, my best friend and I lived in a house with several male roommates. One of them was incredibly sweet and had a wonderful girlfriend he had been dating for years. We were entirely convinced they would get married.
Invalidation is one, if not the most powerful form of manipulation a narcissist will utilize to devalue their victims. Eventually, they will acquire complete emotional control.
Victims often rationalize the toxic behavior and constant mood swings that accompany a relationship with a narcissist. Horrific events transpire, and in the aftermath, we whisper to ourselves a phrase. It is a phrase repeated as tears stream down our faces, and uncontrollable sobs shake us to our core.
Growing up, there were stories pushed down our throats such as Romeo and Juliet, where “love” was portrayed so powerfully that death would be preferred over living without the other.
Vulnerability/intimacy can be difficult, especially in the initial stages of a relationship. However, trying to initially minimize our unbecoming behaviors instead of working on them is a surefire way to turn someone off. Before meeting my husband, I continually found myself in relationships with men who would manage to hide particular quirks/bad behavior until after we started dating.
People in long-term relationships often claim intimacy inevitably fades over time. When I was younger, I doubted these claims and thought that if I found the “right person,” things would always be exhilarating. As I grew up, I discovered the unfortunate truth that feelings could quickly become less exciting, especially in a long-term relationship that spans years or decades.
It is an all too familiar story. A woman marries the man whom she believes to be the love of her life, and the two become husband and wife. The wife has a blooming career, as does her husband. Eventually, they decide to start a family, and it simply makes more sense for the woman to quit her job. Perhaps she makes a little less, or perhaps not. Either way, the man cannot leave his job. He simply has too many opportunities ahead of him.
Exactly eight weeks ago was my wedding day. After five years and countless adventures together, I got to marry my person. Due to being a bridesmaid many times I had observed how unhappy couples often were on their special day. The experiences helped me learn what mistakes to avoid.
EDD (Empathy Deficit Disorder) can exist solely on its own because a person simply does not feel or possess empathy. However, it is very commonly associated with narcissists because they possess similar traits.
I had written out what I was going to say on my phone as a sort of guideline for the breakup speech.The words I wrote out were kind, much kinder than I could have been given the neglect I had endured for the majority of our relationship after the love bombing.
A new relationship is most likely the last thing you’re going to be thinking about after you leave your abuser. I hope that it’s the last thing on your mind…because it’s time for you to be selfish and put your needs first. Regardless of if you ignore the pain and try to shut things out, you are going to be affected by what you endured. As a plea from someone that didn’t deal with her pain right away.
As far as I’m aware,a romantic relationship doesn’t begin withabuse, silent treatment, and neglect.Who wouldstayand tolerate that kind of behavior with someone that you’ve just met?If you aren’t emotionally invested it’s easy to leave without a second thought.
Many years ago I began therapy after dating a narcissist for the first time in my life. Although things appeared perfect on the surface of my life, it didn’t matter. I had an amazing support system, a healthy relationship, and I was still falling apart. In fact, I was acting out on my new partner and projecting things on him that were based on the trauma from my past. I was drinking more than I should have been, which led to me saying things to him that were extremely hurtful and not true. I realized I was getting worse emotionally, not better, and it was time to do something before I continued to spiral out of control.
I was told by the narcissist that he had been looking for me his whole life. I felt like my heart exploded. I had finally found what I had been looking for. All of the failed relationships and pain had led to this.
Just because you escaped an abusive relationship doesn’t mean that you don’t have to take preventive steps to keep it from happening again. In fact, the odds are likely that if you’ve been abused once you are more vulnerable to falling into a repeating pattern. After all, as they can be charming and deceiving — it’s entirely possible to actually be attracted to someone with abusive and narcissistic tendencies.
When I was younger I always thought that honesty was the best policy especially when it came to cheating. As you get older lines began to blur, there is no black and white, and cheating is a difficult subject to tackle.
I reflect on the night that would be one of the scariest of my entire life. The evening started out absolutely perfectly. One of my best friends had gotten married my childhood, and I was the maid of honor. A group of us danced for hours, drinking wine and laughing.
